Not everybody in the world gets along with their in-laws. This is the basis of one of the oldest bits of humor in the world; but it can be a lot less funny if their behavior stops being simply annoying and starts getting toxic. In case you can't quite figure out if your in-laws fall in that category, there are nine different kinds of toxic in-law behavior that might indicate where they stand. If you're truly unlucky, they might fall into several of them. Isn't love grand?
One of the best books ever written on this topic is Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies For Protecting Your Marriage by the psychologist Susan Forward, who's also done some valuable work on the experience of surviving toxic parents. If your in-laws strike you as potentially toxic, it's a wise investment to get hold of her book, as it's chock-full of strategies to deal with them and determine precisely what kind you have on your hands. Toxic in-laws, rather like rare birds, come in a variety of colors and species, and identifying the precise kind you're dealing with can be difficult (indeed, they might fit into several categories at once).
Otherwise, dealing with a toxic in-law takes finesse and a united front between you and your partner. You'll have to learn to establish boundaries, protect yourself, and figure out how to deal with the problem (direct confrontation with the in-laws? Working out an action plan to minimize damage?) In particularly strained circumstances, like if an in-law is an addict, counseling may be a good way to help you going forward as a couple.
1)The Boundary-Ignorers
Boundaries are important in every relationship, and these kinds of in-laws will completely ignore any line you draw in the sand. Don't want them to call when the baby's asleep? They'll do it anyway. They'll visit unannounced, talk to people about your personal business even if you've told them not to, demand to know all your intimate news, and be extremely offended if you tell them "no" and demand reasonable adult accommodations for being a separate entity. This equally applies if they mind your boundaries but can't seem to realize that their own offspring is no longer a child and now deserves a life apart, without being checked on constantly or walked in on.
2)The Controllers
This is one of Forward's definitions. Controlling in-laws, she explains, "believe that your partner is incapable of handling his or her own life and step in to do it better." Whether it's doing their taxes, stepping into their professional life, insisting that they do all the shopping or cooking or anything else, they treat your partner (or you, or the two of you together) as feeble children without any real ability to do what's "best." It can, at first, seem like the path of least resistance to let them do everything as it makes them happy, but it's actually a deeply unnerving and problematic dynamic, as your protests about your own capability to control your life together will be met with complete disdain, laughter, or even anger.
3)The Gaslighters
The term "gaslighting" is taken from the film Gaslight, in which a husband attempts to convince his wife she's going insane by frequently denying her beliefs and experiences, including turning down the gas and then denying that the light has changed.
In-laws don't have to be in control of the dimmer switch to do this, though. They'll simply have their own version of events, and be utterly unable to admit that yours is wrong. "I never said that," or, "you definitely said Saturday and not Sunday, dear," or, "of course your child loves Brussels sprouts, don't be silly:" they'll convert your reality to something more convenient to them and refuse to admit that your own opinions or memories are valid.
4)The Over-Reliant Ones
These are the in-laws who really require your spouse or partner to be the dominant force in their life, and feign complete helplessness without them. It can be particularly dominant if one parent isn't actually around. Susan Pease Gadoua at Psychology Today explains that this is a "surrogate spouse role," noting that "those who are using their children to get their emotional needs met may believe that the new arrangement is a good one because they believe everyone benefits. They get their needs met and, as they see it, their children benefit because they get to feel useful and loved." They do not understand that your partner's first duty is in fact to you, and will get extremely upset or bitter if you're "put first," forcing the partner into a seriously awkward position.
5)The Manipulators
These differ from The Controllers in that you are just a tool to get them what they want: praise from their peers, grandchildren, time with their beloved son or daughter, or whatever else they prioritize. Your own thoughts, feelings, and choices don't matter, and if necessary they will do virtually anything to get what they feel they deserve, from tantrums to guilt to bribery, whether of you or of other members of your family (particularly children).
6)The Addicts
The toxicity of this doesn't really need to be articulated. If an in-law has a serious problem, whether it's from substance abuse, alcohol or something else, it can completely ruin or threaten every instance of family togetherness, and create a kind of tornado at the center of the family dynamic, where you're always waiting or planning around their next binge. The addiction site The Fix notes that 70 percent of adults with alcoholic or addicted family members say it has had a serious effect on their emotional health, which is not surprising; and coping with the chaos of an addicted in-law can cause enormous strain on a marriage.
7)The Engulfers
This is another of Forward's definitions: engulfers "view your marriage license as enlistment papers, signing you up to total involvement with them." This is different from the ones who don't respect boundaries in one particular sense: as Forward told People, engulfers "want to live through their offspring and act as if the child never left the family."
Engulfing in-laws completely subsume you into their family dynamic and expect your marriage to basically dissolve or become invisible against the weight of "being family." They will have severe difficulty understanding that your marriage comes before family at any point, and want to be part of everything that you do, always, constantly, in a way that is neither appropriate nor particularly helpful.
8)The Narcissists
The phenomenon of the narcissistic in-law requires a bit of explanation: it's not just about the fact that they need to be the center of attention of all times. As psychotherapist Michelle Piper explains, being in a relationship with the child of a narcissist means threatening one of their sources of "narcissistic supply;" children of narcissists are often one of the methods through which they reassure themselves of their importance and take glory from the world.
Narcissist in-laws will fight furiously against the idea of this "mirror" being taken away from them, or just hate the fact that you're distracting from their spotlight. You will never be good enough, and they will spend a lot of time informing you of that fact.
9)The Critics
These are the most stereotypically toxic in-laws, but their disapproval can be exceptionally powerful. Whether they criticize you to your partner or to others (or even to your face), anything might be up for their critique: the way you dress, your career, your choice of servings on Christmas Day, your parenting, your religion, name it. Psych Central notes that this is one of the most difficult toxic in-law situations to change, as personal attacks make us understandably defensive or upset no matter how much we attempt to empathize with the feelings behind them.
Luckily, many of the tips for dealing with toxic parents can also be useful for dealing with toxic in-laws, so make sure you're well-versed in those and check out Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies For Protecting Your Marriage. Most of all, don't be afraid to talk with your partner about establishing healthy boundaries with their family. It's uncomfortable, but it's important.
Part II
As soon as you decided to get married, visions of having more family members to love danced through your mind. You’d have an extra set of parents to impart their wisdom from years of experience and some siblings-in-law to hang out with . . . and maybe even become best friends.
Then reality hit. As soon as you got to know them, you realized that what you got was something completely different. The people who raised the most terrific person in the entire universe have shown you that your dreams were nothing more than a fairytale.
Your in-laws not only don’t like you, but they also show you absolutely no respect. Or just as bad, they flat-out ignore you. In their minds, you’re an intruder, and you stole their precious child away from them. All those fun and lively family dinners you imagined are not likely to ever happen.
This is a difficult position for anyone to be in because you want to be on friendly terms with these people, and you have someone in common that you both love very much. So what do you do? There are actually several ways to handle disrespectful in-laws.
Show a United Front with Your Spouse
Chances are, your spouse is aware of the tension, without your having to mention a word about it. Discuss your position and how disappointed you are that these people don’t show you the respect you deserve.
Your spouse may not understand, and you may not come to a total agreement. But it’s important for the two of you to display a united front when you’re around the in-laws. Have a calm discussion with your spouse about how to handle this, be willing to compromise, and honor your end of the deal.
Don’t disagree with your spouse in front of the disrespectful and offensive people in his family, or they will have an opening to rip at your relationship with the person you’ve vowed to spend your life with.
Conflict Engagement . . . or Not
You may want to stand your ground and tell your in-laws that you don’t appreciate their rudeness. However, this may escalate the conflict to a level that is even worse than before. But you know that you’re in the right, and they’re the ones who are being disrespectful, so you feel the urge to stand your ground. Addressing the issue directly may let them know you’re not backing down, but it can also intensify the awkwardness of future get-togethers.
The other option is to avoid conflict by not resisting when someone says something rude. When your mother-in-law criticizes the way you clean house or prepare a recipe, simply smile and ask her to share her methods and recipes. If your father-in-law makes a negative remark about your career, resist the urge to defend your life’s calling. Maybe you can ask about his career to take the focus off yours. If a sister-in-law or brother-in-law gets snarky when your spouse’s back is turned, change the subject. These people might not get the hint, but you haven’t lowered yourself to their level of disrespect.
Do your best to keep the conversation light and off of topics that are likely to trigger dissent. When you see the other person become tense, be willing to quickly change the subject.
Avoid Public Conflict and Drama
When you’re out in public with your in-laws, try to keep a healthy amount of distance between you to prevent embarrassment in front of others. This may have you sitting at the opposite end of the table in a restaurant, but it may be necessary to keep from losing your cool.
Set Rules and Boundaries With Your Spouse
If you live near your in-laws, have a chat with your spouse and come up with some rules and boundaries that apply on both sides. Here are some examples of some of the rules:
- All visitors, including yours and your spouse’s family, must call before each visit to prevent invading your personal space. If they live nearby, no one is allowed to unexpectedly drop by.
- Family members (including you) should never criticize without a solution. Even then, think before you speak and decide whether or not it’s worth it to say anything.
- Avoid topics that set off fireworks on either side.
- If you have children, you and your spouse have the final word with discipline and permission, and the in-laws are not to override them. This is where you need to be firm because you are ultimately responsible for your children.
Maintain a Sense of Humor
While you might not want to make in-law jokes with your spouse’s family, you can still have a sense of humor. Don’t take everything someone says to heart. Remember that the most important thing is that the person you married loves you, and that’s what really matters at the end of the day.
Don’t Whine or Play Victim
When you and your in-laws have issues, do your best to keep the matter in the family. Whining, complaining to others, and gossiping about them may create an even worse rift—especially if they find out or catch wind of what you’re saying.
Rather than play victim to the disrespectful ways, stand firm and try to find common ground. If you can’t do that, you might address the issue head-on. Sometimes the problem stems from miscommunication.
Here are some things you might say to lower the level of tension:
- “This is how I’ve always done things, but I’m interested in hearing a different perspective.”
- “It appears that we have some cultural differences. I’d love to hear about your culture, and if you’re interested in mine, I’ll be happy to share.”
- “You did a wonderful job of raising (your spouse’s name). Thank you for always being there for (spouse).”
Getting Along on Special Occasions
Holidays and other special occasions often stress people out and bring out the worst in them. Go into the situation knowing this, and you’ll probably be able to deal with whatever happens with a cooler head. If you’re hosting a family event, try to incorporate the traditions from your own family as well as your in-laws’. Have a talk with members of your spouse’s family and encourage their input. If they cooperate, that’s great. If not, their disrespect is on them, not you.
Important Consideration
One of the most important things to remember is that you can’t control other people’s actions. If they’re rude, keep your chin up and follow the manners you know are right. These people may or may not come around and give you the respect you need. But if you do the right thing, you can live without regrets.
Part III
Letting Go of Toxic People, Even If it’s a Family Member
Letting Go of Toxic People, Even If it’s a Family Member
Toxic relationships come in all forms; it can be between friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, partners or family members. A toxic person may be your Mother or your Father, a sibling or colleague but most often, it’s usually a person who is closest to you, that is harming you the most.
Removing yourself from a toxic relationship is hard; there are no instructions to walking away and letting go of a toxic person, but it’s a worthy process to pursue your own happiness and fixing the internal damage which emotional abuse inflicts.
Having a toxic family member who takes you on an emotional rollercoaster ride on a regular basis, leaves you with a range of conflicting feelings – confusion, obligation, pain, guilt, betrayal, anger and grief.
Taking the next step of letting go of family is incredibly hard, guilt-riddling and takes a tremendous amount of courage.
A family member will take advantage of the fact that you are family – a bond that is supposed to be enduring, loving and respectful – to manipulate and hurt you because they know you will find it very hard to remove yourself because you are family.
Family members are easy targets to toxic people – and emotional abusers – because they can and they will continue to bully and hurt you, fully expecting you to sit and endure it.
How Toxic People Treat You Is a Reflection of Them, Not You
Time and time again you’ll find yourself trying to understand and rationalize their behavior and then forgiving their actions because… it’s your family.
In a society where it feels that no-matter-what circumstance, family is an unspoken bond that shall never be broken, when the toxic person in your life is a part of the circular family around you, this makes dealing with their abuse infinity more complicated and painful.
This is a confusing situation trying to cope with not only the lack of a love and the pain you’re afflicted with but the lack of a positive relationship with someone who is your own blood.
Take a deep look at those relationships closest to you and note how this person makes you feel and how they treat you.
Bullying comes in all forms and it’s not something found only in schoolyards. It is found in the most unlikely of places and this includes your own home.
Toxic people have a way of slinging jabs and subtle comments at opportune times when you’re alone, thus making their actions refutable to others who cannot corroborate your account of events.
They are very clever to hide their behavior in plain sight and will manipulate your emotions because they know you intimately.
It’s hard not to take toxic behavior personally. It’s not you, it’s them.
While this statement is true, learning that a toxic person’s behavior is not a reflection of yourself, is a tough statement to remember.
Toxic People Aren’t Fixable, Don’t Waste Your Time Trying
That statement may sound harsh, but it’s the truth.
The way toxic people act is because of an internal struggle they bear inside of themselves but is taken out on those around them, or their target.
It is not your place to “fix” them and toxic people oftentimes have no idea why they feel te way they do, do the things they do and hurt the people they hurt but yet, they continue to do it. This in no way makes what they do justifiable.
There area also the toxic people with personality disorders that understand what their heinous words and actions do to others, but find their behavior defensible. Of course, it never is, but in their minds, they will always find a way to justify the means.
Toxic individuals are aware of the chaos they create around them and while some toxic people are intentional about the pain they inflict, others may be good people who do not know how to exist in the world without forcing you to compromise your happiness and yourself to their infliction.
Toxic people create drama and live in a world of negativity and you have to take a hard look and decide for yourself if you can tolerate their behavior for a lifetime – because it will never go away – or if its time to make your own well-being a priority.
This may mean that you distance yourself from this person by spending less time with them, not sharing personal information, or disconnecting entirely – temporarily or permanently.
Coming to the realization that your family member is not available or open to fully and completely loving you and discovering the fact that you cannot call on them or trust them, is one of life’s hardest realizations.
Just because they are a family member doesn’t mean that it’s a relationship built on mutual love, respect and support for one another.
You are family by blood and that may simply be the only connection your relationship is thread together by.
If this person cannot respect you, if you cannot trust what they say and do, if they lie and manipulate you, if they talk badly about you and others, if you don’t have a voice around them and especially if they physically hurt you – you need to remove yourself from this toxic relationship.
You Have The Right to Create a Healthy & Happy Life For Yourself
There will come a time when you say, “enough is enough.”
You are a person that deserves to be treated with love and respect. You cannot possibly grow if the sunshine is always being snuffed out by a storm.
You will not love yourself and live a positive and flourishing life you absolutely deserve in the wake of a toxic person who purposefully hurts you and keeps you from true happiness.
It’s Time to Examine What You Allow In Your Life
They may be manipulating, lying, being passive-aggressive, hurtful, or physically abusive, but they are continuing to act this way because you allow it.
- What are you doing to stand up for yourself and to stop the way they treat you?
- How do you react when they disrespect and hurt you?
- What is the toxic person’s reaction when you choose to stand up to them?
When you confront a toxic person, expect the worst.
You’ll see that they are quite manipulative in their reaction to being confronted. A family member will play the victim and try to corral other family members against you because you’ve hurt them. They may use their emotions to influence other family members and isolate you and they may treat you harshly as well. Expect lies, victim stories where they paint themselves as the victim and you the bad guy.
Toxic people will flat out lie about what you’ve confronted about. The toxic person will make up new stories to disarm your interpretation of the truth and they will redirect the indictments you’re accusing them of towards you – all scenarios will point back to the toxic person making themselves the victim in the eyes of anyone around them.
The things the toxic person says, what those around her will say to you and accuse you of may make you feel like the crazy person.
Know that the redirection is just another manipulation to make you question the validity of your claims, recollection of your account of events and question your own emotions and make you feel like you’re crazy/overreacting/dramatic.
Do not question yourself. You have every right to stand up for your well-being, for your emotions, and for your sanity.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member or a friend, you don’t have to tolerate toxic behavior when it affects your well being.
Abuse Never Deserves to be Tolerated
If there is physical abuse you absolutely need to cut ties.
Anyone who physically hurts is is breaking the law, breaking physical boundaries with you, and there are consequences for their actions.
Emotional and verbal abuse should never be tolerated.
If someone if emotionally manipulating, bullying and abusing you, know that you deserve better and that it’s OK to let go and walk away even if you are walking away from your Mother or Father or a family member
No amount of love, forgiveness, guilt, grief or prayer will fix a person that is broken and purposefully hurting you because of the rush they get from inflicting chaos and pain.
The person you need to save is yourself.
Practicing self-love and self-care every day will be a new concept for you, but over time, you’ll see and feel it’s the right step towards a new and fulfilling life.
The time it takes to heal from walking away from a toxic person may be swift but other times, it can take years and cycles of anger, grief, sadness, relief and finally contentment.
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