Labels

Sunday, September 5, 2021

What is a Christian Warrior?


War has been constant throughout history. Many have been conscripted into the armies of men. So, too, have the people of God been called to war­­—one in which the ultimate stakes hang in the balance.

The modern soldier is well trained and equipped in the art of waging war. By the time he (or, in this day and age, she) is ready to face battle, many long hours will have been spent in basic training. He will have been prepared physically and mentally to deal with the rigors of combat. The soldier will know how to identify the enemy and his tactics. To battle against the enemy, he will be adept in using the tools of his trade. In combat, he will carry the most advanced military gear his country can afford. Some of this equipment is designed to take out the enemy, while other parts are designed to protect critical body areas.

The boots the soldier wears will protect, support and strengthen the feet carrying him into battle. A camouflaged uniform makes him less visible to his foe. Around the upper body he dons a flak jacket or a bulletproof vest to protect vital organs. Over this, he will put on a load-bearing vest (LBV) to carry grenades and other ammunition.

Around the soldier’s waist will be a belt holding a first-aid kit, canteens of thirst-quenching water and a knife. Strapping on an “Alice” pack, he will carry 100 pounds of additional essential gear. He will never go into battle without a bullet-stopping Kevlar helmet protecting his head. And in his hands he will carry a battle-tested, lethal M16 rifle.

When worn and properly used, these things can mean the difference between staying alive or becoming a casualty of war.

A Part of Christianity

In the Bible, Christianity is compared to warfare. Indeed, it is a very real aspect of the way that those who follow Christ must live. Those who desire to live this way will face many battles—battles that MUST BE WON if we are to make it into the kingdom of God. There is effort involved—energy must be expended in the day-to-day life of a true Christian.

The reward—ETERNAL LIFE!—is well worth this effort. We dare not let this goal slip away. Notice this admonition from the Word of God: “Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto you are also called, and have professed a good profession before many witnesses” (I Tim. 6:12). Take note of the powerful verbs used here—fight, lay hold—urging Christians to take action and put forth effort. No one can sit idly by and expect to win the Christian fight. We must always be ready to valiantly defend our position.

Paul urged Timothy to do just that: “This charge I commit unto you, son Timothy, according to the prophecies which went before on you, that you by them might war a good warfare; holding faith, and a good conscience; which some having put away concerning faith have made shipwreck” (I Tim. 1:18-19).

Too many, especially in this age, failed to take these words seriously. Growing tired and lethargic, no longer putting forth the required effort, they allowed their faith to become smashed like a ship pounded by waves. Battle fatigue set in and they became as casualties of war.

No wonder Paul further instructed Timothy to “endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ,” knowing that “no man that wars entangles himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please Him who has chosen him to be a soldier” (II Tim. 2:3-4).

Paul knew that his “son in the faith” would face many tough battles, constantly fighting against the enemy forces seeking to take his eternal life.

To win this all-out war, a Christian’s focus must be centered on the task at hand. He must allow nothing—no entanglements or distractions—to avert his attention.

Paul had steadfastly followed God’s way as a soldier of Christ. He knew shortly before his death that he had won the Christian fight. Notice: “For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love His appearing” (4:6-8).

Spiritual Army

Waging war has been continual throughout the history of God’s Church. Paul could clearly see that from his day forward, all Christians would engage in struggles, conflicts and real battles against evil forces.

Like Timothy, upon our conversion and baptism, we were put into the Church—inducted as soldiers into the army of God. We did not volunteer; we were drafted (John 13:1815:16). Yet, we are not a physical army fighting with physical weapons of war. Nor do we fight against a physical foe. As the Church of the living God, we are a spiritual army. And we are at war—engaged in spiritual warfare!

Paul admonished the Corinthians of this very fact, telling them, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds)” (II Cor. 10:3-4).

Every good soldier will study his enemy to determine his strengths and weaknesses. And to be able to defeat the enemy, he must know how to deftly use, with overwhelming force, the weapons at his disposal.

Our Common Enemies

Every true Christian faces the same three enemies. These mighty foes are in league against us. They are crafty, cunning and lurking about, ready to attack at every opportunity. They seek to confuse and overwhelm us and wear us down. Their ultimate goal is to murder us, to take away eternal life.

These three enemies are SELFSOCIETY and SATAN. We will have to battle them for the rest of our physical lives. Every ounce of energy and effort must be put forth to gain victory over them.

Let’s examine each of our enemies.

SELF

The first enemy in the Christian’s daily warfare is the SELF—carnal human nature, with all of its inordinate lusts. As II Corinthians 10:3-4 shows, as long as we are in the flesh, we will have to battle our carnal human nature. The natural mind is a stronghold against God. It does not want to be conquered; it does not want to submit to the will of God. Carnal nature is the enemy of God, and is even against the very knowledge of God. It wants—and will try—to destroy you (Rom. 8:5-7)!

The self wants to do its own things and think its own thoughts. It will cleverly rationalize all it wants to do. It is “deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked” (Jer. 17:9) and seeks only to bring forth the works of the flesh: vanity, jealousy, lust and greed (Gal. 5:19-21). It wants us to violate God’s spiritual Law, enticing us to sin. By doing this, it can cut us off from God (Isa. 59:1-2). Unless we successfully wage and win the war against the self—striving to resist its impulses leading to sin—our human nature will DESTROY US.

We must “[cast] down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and [bring] into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (II Cor. 10:5). There is an ongoing battle for control of your mind—a battle that you must win at ALL COSTS!

SOCIETY

The second deadly enemy of all Christians is this present evil age—the SOCIETY that surrounds us (Gal. 1:4). All it has to offer looks very appealing, alluring and glamorous. It brims over with the latest electronic gadgets, trendy clothing, fast cars, endless movies, music, shopping malls, dance clubs, pleasures, thrills, excitement, and on and on. This world appears to be wrapped with everything that glitters and is gold. It appeals to the five senses. And because it is built upon and motivated by the products of human nature—vanity, lust, greed, etc.—we are naturally drawn to it and, if not on guard, caught up in it.

Since early childhood, we began conforming to the world’s ways, customs and practices. We learned to celebrate its holidays. We easily accepted without question the lifestyles of the world we grew up in.

Yet, this is what our attitude toward society should be: “Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passes away, and the lust thereof” (I John 2:15-17).

We must carefully examine our ways to see if they conform to God’s ways or the ways of this world. We must overcome and reject every way that is contrary to the Christian walk. We dare not become involved in close relationships with people of this society, or “go along to get along,” worrying about how the world views us. Conforming to the world is NOT warring against it!

The world hates us because we are different from it—not of it (John 17:1416). Yes, we live IN the world, but we cannot be a part OF it. We must fight against its pulls like a soldier on an obstacle course, which strengthens and challenges him. A Christian must handle the obstacles of a society full of snares, barbed wire and land mines.

Take this admonishment to heart—your life depends on it: “Know you not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the ENEMY OF GOD” (Jms. 4:4), “and the world passes away, and the lust thereof: but he that does the will of God abides forever” (I John 2:17).

SATAN

The third great enemy of all Christians is SATAN the devil. As the “god of this world” (II Cor. 4:4) and “the prince of the power of the air,” he “works in the children of disobedience” (Eph. 2:2), and injects his attitudes into their unsuspecting minds. No wonder the Bible refers to society as “this present evil world” and states that it is thoroughly deceived (Rev. 12:9).

Satan has so completely deceived the world that it is in doubt of his very existence. Human beings are completely ignorant of the fact that human nature is really Satan’s nature! As “the prince of the power of the air,” he broadcasts feelings of anger, hatred, rebellion, envy, jealousy, lust, strife, bitterness, resentment, competition and so on, seeking to instill these thoughts in the mind of every human being. He is clever, cruel, relentless and experienced. He never grows tired. Nor does he suffer from battle fatigue. He constantly broadcasts attitudes of doubt, despondency, depression and negative feelings.

Most of all, he seeks to overcome and overwhelm those who have the Holy Spirit. Converted minds are not immune to Satan’s broadcast. He wants the people of God to doubt, be depressed, be hostile to authority, and be filled with bitterness, resentment and criticism against the ministry and each other. These are nothing more than “thought bombs” being dropped all around us!

Acting swiftly, at our most inopportune time—when we least expect it—Satan will exploit and intensify every rationalizing excuse and compromising twist of our carnal mind. He will poke and probe for weaknesses—anything he can use against us, anything that will appeal to human nature.

And he does not work alone. Notice: “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness [wicked spirits] in high places” (Eph. 6:12). The devil has a whole army of demons that he enlists in his effort against us.

Each of us must “be sober, be vigilant; because [our] adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking whom he may devour” (I Pet. 5:8). Our battle cry must be “resist the devil,” knowing that “he will flee from [us]” (Jms. 4:7). Though Satan is a cunning, brilliant and relentless adversary, we can—and must—defeat him.

Not Alone

We are not alone in our daily Christian warfare. As a spiritual army, we have the greatest Commander-in-Chief possible—God the Father. He has called us—drafted us—into His army to fight against our three great enemies. God is able to “supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19). He has not left us defenseless, unable to fight against our foes. He has given us the most powerful force in the universe, His Spirit, which is available to us at all times. Since the time we became Christian soldiers at baptism, we have been infused with it. We are admonished to “stir up the gift of God, which is in [us] by the putting on of…hands” (II Tim. 1:6) which is not “the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (vs. 7). We can never allow our supply lines to this power to be cut off.

Our orders come from the “captain of [our] salvation” and the “author and finisher of our faith”—Jesus Christ (Heb. 2:1012:2). And as our Captain, Christ will lead and help us in battle. Notice this Old Testament passage: “And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, there stood a man over against him with His sword drawn in His hand: and Joshua went unto Him, and said unto Him, Are you for us, or for our adversaries? And He said, No; but as captain of the host of the LORD am I now come. And Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and did worship, and said unto Him, What say my lord unto His servant? And the captain of the LORD’S host said unto Joshua, Loose your shoe from off your foot; for the place whereon you stand is holy. And Joshua did so” (Josh. 5:13-15).

The One who would later become Christ appeared to Joshua, holding His drawn sword in hand, and declared that He was the Captain of the Lord’s host. Since Jesus is “the same yesterday, and today, and forever” (Heb. 13:8), He will lead us into battle and to absolute victory, as He did for Joshua and ancient Israel. We can take encouragement from these words:

“Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD; and the people whom He has chosen for His own inheritance. The LORD looks from heaven; He beholds all the sons of men. From the place of His habitation He looks upon all the inhabitants of the earth. He fashions their hearts alike; He considers all their works. There is no king saved by the multitude of an host: a mighty man is not delivered by much strength. A horse is a vain thing for safety: neither shall he deliver any by his great strength. Behold, the eye of the LORD is upon them that fear Him, upon them that hope in His mercy; to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the LORD: He is our help and our shield” (Psa. 33:12-20).

As long as we strive to obey and please God, we need not fear. It is not a question of whether we will win the war, but rather when. Keeping a right heart, a right attitude, along with remaining close to and in contact with the Captain of our salvation, assures our protection from the enemy (Psa. 34:7).

Our Armor

Like any good battlefield commander, Christ has thoroughly equipped His army with tried and tested battle gear. It is essential that you know what each piece of this armor is and what it is used for, and to never go into battle without it. Neglecting or forgetting any part will leave you exposed and unprotected.

Through Paul, we are urged to put on the armor of God—also called the “armor of light” (Rom. 13:12)—in order to fight and prevail in this spiritual battle. Consider: “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might. Put on the WHOLE ARMOR OF GOD, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil…Wherefore take unto you the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth.” (Read Ephesians 6:10-17.)

Truth refers to the inspired Word of God. Christ plainly stated that God’s Word is truth (John 17:17). This is a critical piece of the Christian’s armor. Through the Bible, the true God is revealed to us. We know that He is the Creator of all that is, and that He and Jesus Christ currently constitute the God Family, into which we can be born. We know about the Sabbath and Holy Days. Through God’s Word, we have the knowledge of His plan of Salvation. We also know the true Jesus Christ, who is our Savior, High Priest, elder Brother and soon-coming King. Because God opened our minds to understand His Word, we have been freed from the false, Satan-inspired pagan customs, traditions and holidays of this world.

Having our loins “girt” with the truth protects and insulates us from the fiery darts of the devil. Truth must be firmly secured about our waist—attached to it is the breastplate of righteousness and hanging from it is the sword of the Spirit. Losing any part of the truth leaves the breastplate of righteousness loose and allows the sword of the Spirit to fall on the ground. If this happens, we are leaving ourselves exposed to fatal injury.

The breastplate of righteousness is obedience to God’s commandments (Psa. 119:172), which brings automatic blessings and protection from God. In ancient warfare, soldiers wore breastplates to protect the heart. Recall that modern-day soldiers wear flak jackets for the same reason. Similarly, when a Christian incorporates God’s Law into his mind—his “heart,” the seat of his emotions and desires—his motives will be based on love toward God and neighbor, and he will be protected from the way of sin (Psa. 119:1-31028-4097-110112). Keeping God’s Law means that we are always in close contact with Him, and are able to draw strength from His Spirit (Acts 5:32). Living according to the Law ensures our spiritual vitality. Christ clearly stated, “If you will enter into life, keep the commandments” (Matt. 19:17).

The gospel of peace is the GOOD NEWS of the soon-coming, world-ruling kingdom of God—to be established when Christ returns as King of kings and Lord of lords, bringing true and lasting peace to a tired, dying, hopeless world. The gospel provides a solid footing, allowing us to dig our heels in and stand our ground against our three foes (self, society and Satan). History has shown that whenever Christians traded the true gospel for a false one, the kingdom of God was no longer their focus, and they soon accepted a cancerous body of heresies in place of God’s truth. The gospel proclaimed by Christ is a message of hope serving to strengthen our legs as we actively support the Work in carrying it to the world (Rom. 10:15). And as the children of God, who have been called to peace (I Cor. 7:15), we need never worry, be unsettled or have our resolve weakened by world events.

The shield of faith is the faith of Jesus Christ, which we can have within us (Gal. 2:20Rev. 14:12Phil. 3:9)—not just our own human, physical faith, which will wax and ebb. Faith is imparted to us by the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22). And it is this faith—Christ’s faith within us—that enables us to conquer and overcome. We will have full assurance in the promises from God. We will have total belief that what He says He will do, He does.

This faith will see us through the many trials and temptations that Satan throws in our path. This shield of faith provides the cover we need. It is a defensive weapon that grows ever larger and stronger with diligent use, eventually covering our entire body.

The helmet of salvation is the knowledge of what salvation is, what it involves, how to achieve it, what it is all about—the purpose of human life. It is the knowledge of the right and true goal, and the awesome potential—the ultimate destiny—of mankind. It is the incredible, inspiring knowledge that we can be BORN INTO—become full members of—the God Family. Being armed with this helmet guards us against the blows of the enemy. It protects against the feelings of doubt and depression that Satan desperately wants to inject into our minds, in an all-out effort to cause us to give up. Without this vital knowledge, he could deliver blow after blow. Without the helmet of salvation, we will fail to remember why we were born—and we will also forget what we are fighting for! Knowing that we have salvation waiting for us at the end of the war, we can have the strength and determination to see the battle through to the very end.

The sword of the Spirit is the written Word of God. This is the only offensive weapon a Christian has in fighting the devil and his devices (Heb. 4:12). While it may appear to be the same as being girded with the truth, it is slightly different. Hanging from the truth—all of God’s Word—it is drawn from it, cutting the enemies’ strategies and tactics to pieces. Knowing the whole counsel of God allows us to pull passages from the Bible to deftly wield as a sword, cutting through the lies, falsehoods, feelings of doubt, depression and cunning deceits of our foes. With it, we can also deflect whatever is thrown at us and deal deadly blows to our enemies (Matt. 4:1-11). Every soldier of Christ must master the use of this weapon, keeping it firmly in hand.

You Can Win

After we have put on the armor of God, Paul’s final instruction to us is to “[pray] always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit…watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints” (Eph. 6:18). This is the final thing we must do in the battle against all our enemies. We must draw close to God in persevering, fervent prayer, asking for more of His Spirit, His help and His protection—along with the strength, desire and determination needed to fight each and every battle. We need to continually pray for all of God’s people and the ministry.

Armed with the knowledge of who our enemies are and the tactics they employ, having God and Christ in battle with us, and putting on the armor of God, we can defeat and overcome our foes. This is the perfect strategy for defeating human nature and the pulls of the world, both of which are influenced by the devil. If you faithfully, diligently adhere to this formula, you can and will win your war against these deadly enemies.


Sunday, August 22, 2021

Seven Good Reasons Christians Should Not Drink

 

Pastor David L. Brown, Ph.D.
1989 & February 2002 David L. Brown

"Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise." Proverbs 20:1

My heart aches for the family that lost their only two children in an auto accident recently. A drunk driver crossed the median and plowed into their car. The five month old and, their four year old were killed. Their children wiped out. But, there is more. This tragic scene is repeated every 33 minutes. Thats right. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration a person dies every 33 minutes in an alcohol related accident. And thats not all. An estimated 310,000 persons were injured in crashes each year where police reported that alcohol was present. Thats an average of one person injured approximately every 2 minutes.

Consider these additional statistics from the United States Justice Department: Nearly 4 in 10 violent victimizations involve use of alcohol. Also, victim reports show, on average each year about 183,000 rapes and sexual assaults involve alcohol use by the offender, as do just over 197,000 robberies, about 661,000 aggravated assaults, and nearly 1.7 million simple assaults.

The Scripture is true! "Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise." Proverbs 20:1. It is at the root of all kinds of problems in our country today and it has been for hundreds of years. Proverbs 23:31-32 is a powerful injunction against drinking alcoholic beverages. It says, . 31 Look not thou upon the wine when it is red, when it giveth his colour in the cup, when it moveth itself aright. 32 At the last it biteth like a serpent, and stingeth like an adder.

There is clear evidence in the Scriptures that believers should not drink alcoholic beverages. In this report I list 7 Good Reasons Why Christians Should Not Drink Alcoholic Beverages. However, before we do that, we are going to look at the words translated wine, drink or drinking.

  • A LOOK AT THE WORDS

There are 637 references to wine, drink and drinking in the King James Version of the Bible. Most people think in todays terms, believing that when wine is mentioned it refers to alcoholic wine. Actually, that is not necessarily true. Thirteen different words are translated "wine" in the King James Version of the Bible. The word wine has a wide range of meaning in the Bible, covering everything from grape juice, to concentrated grape syrup to alcoholic wine. To understand what the Bible has to say about drinking, we need to look at several of these words.
 

  • OLD TESTAMENT HEBREW WORDS FOR WINE

"yayin" -- It is a general term for grape beverages and includes all classes of wine, non-alcoholic or alcoholic; unfermented, in the process of fermentation and fermented. (Proverbs 31:4) The context will show whether it is alcoholic wine or not. Yayin, when used properly was always diluted with water.

"shekar" -- It is the word for strong drink, unmixed wine. The 1901 edition of THE JEWISH ENCYCLOPEDIA says, "Yakin, wine, is to be distinguished from Shekar, or strong drink. The former is diluted with water; the later is undiluted." Shekar was not diluted with water." (see Numbers 28:7)

"Tirosh" -- This word refers to fresh grape juice. It is referred to often as new wine or sweet wine. (see Proverbs 3:10; Deuteronomy 7:13)

  • NEW TESTAMENT GREEK WORDS FOR WINE

"oinos" is the counterpart to the Old Testament word yayin. It is a general term for grape beverages and includes all classes of wine, non-alcoholic or alcoholic; fermented or unfermented. The context has to be used to determine whether the drink was intoxicating or not. (Luke 10:34; Ephesians 5:18). Oinos, when used properly was always diluted with water.

"sikera" is the counterpart to the Old Testament word shekar. It is the word for strong drink, unmixed wine. (Luke 1:15)

"gleukos" is the counterpart to the Old Testament word tirosh. Dr. Paul Dixon says "It refers to fresh wine, a new wine" or freshly squeezed grape juice.

Now, why believers should abstain from drinking...

1. DRINKING LEADS TO DRUNKENNESS

In the April 24, 1965 issue of Christianity Today, the article, on page 25 says, "People must be informed that the use of alcohol is not unlike Russian roulette: every tenth person becomes automatically hooked. the only solution is total abstinence." These statistics are supported by the American Medical Association.

  •  DRUNKENNESS IS CONDEMNED IN THE BIBLE

Isaiah 5:11-- "Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink; that continue until night, till wine inflame them!"

Proverbs 23:20-- "Be not among winebibbers;" The word means to drink so much that you become tipsy or drunk.

Romans 13:13 -- "Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting (drunken partying) and drunkenness (general drunken-ness)..."

Galatians 5:19a & 21 -- "Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these...drunkenness..."

Ephesians 5:18 -- "And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;"

  • DRUNKARDS ARE AMONG THE LIST OF THOSE WHO WILL NOT INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 "Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, 10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God."

You cant get around it, and in fact, all godly men agree that the Bible condemns drunkenness. Drunkenness is a serious matter.

2. THE BIBLE CONDEMNS STRONG DRINK ALSO

Proverbs 20:1 "Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise."

NOTE again, Isaiah 5:11 -- "Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink; that continue until night, till wine inflame them!"

Proverbs 23:29-31 -- "Who hath woe? who hath sorrow? who hath contentions? who hath babbling? who hath wounds without cause? who hath redness of eyes? (30) They that tarry long at the wine; they that go to seek mixed wine.(a mixture of wine and spices) (31) Look not thou upon the wine when it is red, when it giveth his colour in the cup, when it moveth itself aright."

  •  WHAT WAS "STRONG DRINK" IN BIBLE TIMES?

Distillation was not discovered until about 1500 A.D. Strong drink and unmixed wine in Bible times was from 3% to 11% alcohol. Dr. John MacArthur says "...since anybody in biblical times who drank unmixed wine (9-11% alcohol) was definitely considered a barbarian, then we dont even need to discuss whether a Christian should drink hard liquor--that is apparent!"

  •  CHRISTIANS SHOULD NOT DRINK STRONG DRINK!

Since wine has 9 to 11% alcohol and one brand 20% alcohol, you should not drink that. Brandy contains 15 to 20% alcohol, so thats out! Hard liquor has 40 to 50% alcohol (80 to 100 proof), and that is obviously excluded!

Someone will say, "since beer is only 4% alcohol, ITS OK FOR A BELIEVER TO DRINK BEER, RIGHT?" The answer is NO! Heres why...

3. IN BIBLE TIMES WHAT CHRISTIANS DRANK WS SUB-ALCOHOLIC, BASICALLY PURIFIED WATER

Remember the Hebrew word "yayin" and the Greek word "oinos" that we looked at earlier? These were the companion words for wine whether fermented or unfermented. In fact, whether fermented or not, it was MIXED WITH WATER.

Norman Geisler, former Dean of Liberty Center for Christian Scholarship, Liberty University, has written: "Many wine drinking Christians today mistakenly assume that what the New Testament meant by wine is identical to wine used today. This, however, is false. In fact, todays wine is by Biblical definition strong drink, and hence forbidden by the Bible. What the Bible frequently meant by wine was basically purified water," purified by adding some alcoholic wine. The Holman Bible dictionary says, wine was also used as a medicine and disinfectant.

Geisler goes on to say, "Therefore, Christians ought not to drink wine, beer, or other alcoholic beverages for they are actually strong drink forbidden in Scripture. Even ancient pagans did not drink what some Christians drink today."

All alcoholic beverages used in our culture fall under the biblical classification of STRONG DRINK and are therefore forbidden. The least ratio of water to wine mixture used in Bible times was 3 parts water to 1 wine. That produced a sub-alcoholic drink that was 2.5% to 2.75% alcohol. Normally, the ratio was even higher, up to 20 to 1. Their is NO BIBLICAL SUPPORT FOR CHRISTIANS DRINKING THE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES OF OUR DAY! What early believers drank was sub-alcoholic by todays standards. Pastors and deacons were cautioned to steer around even the sub-alcoholic stuff (I Timothy 3:3 & 8).

The right choice is to abstain! What is your choice?

4. IT WILL CAUSE OTHERS TO STUMBLE

Romans 14:21 says "It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to "to drink wine, nor anything whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak."

Innumerable Christians claim their "Christian Liberty" when it comes to social drinking. In order to do that, they must turn their backs on this passage of Scripture. "Sipping Saints" have given multitudes of people an excuse to drink. More than once, I have heard a believer say "there is nothing wrong with drinking in moderation. Pastor so and so even says it is OK."

The problem is, drinking often sets off a chain reaction of influences that are like tipping over the first domino. Drinking causes some to stumble, others to be offended, and many to be weakened. Studies support my statement.

According to a survey done by the Daily Journal newspaper, October 26, 1988, one of the top five reasons teenagers drink is because their parents drink. This has proven true time and time again.

Let me take it one step further. Parents, you must remember that whatever you do in moderation your child will likely do in excess.

The Bible clearly defines drinking as an activity that is to be foregone because it causes others to stumble and makes them weak (fall into sin).

There is yet another reason believers should not drink...

5. IT HARMS OUR BODIES WHICH ARE THE LORDS

I Corinthians 6:19-20 "What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."

I Corinthians 3:16-17 "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are."

The first effect of alcohol on the brain is to dull the capacity for self-criticism and the sense of caution. A lessening of care and anxiety follows this. The checks on irresponsibility and unreasonable behavior are also curtailed. Actions follow the impulses, which is dangerous. Reaction time become slower; coordination is disturbed; drowsiness follows.

Proverbs 23:29-33 gives clear testimony to the above description of alcohol on the brain. "Who hath woe? who hath sorrow? who hath contentions? who hath babbling? who hath wounds without cause? who hath redness of eyes? 30 They that tarry long at the wine; they that go to seek mixed wine. 31 Look not thou upon the wine when it is red, when it giveth his colour in the cup, when it moveth itself aright. 32 At the last it biteth like a serpent, and stingeth like an adder. 33 Thine eyes shall behold strange women, and thine heart shall utter perverse things."

How many of you reading this report had high school or college biology? I did, and it was great. There were several girls in my high school biology class and I must say that I especially enjoyed the fit some of girls had when we dissected frogs. But what was really disgusting, even for me, was the day we had to walk up to the big barrel filled with formaldehyde and reach in and pull out a cat to work on. That day there were several of the girls that left class and as I recall a guy or two. To this day, I remember the disgusting aroma of the formaldehyde used to pickle frogs and cats.

So, what does that have to do with alcohol? Dr. Robert Haas, M.D. will fill you in. He is a former president of the American College of Sports Nutrition. He said, "Beer, wine and hard liquor form toxic substances called aldehydes that can destroy the liver, kidney and brain cells. Aldehydes serve a useful function in preserving or pickling dead animal tissue, but they serve no beneficial purpose in people. Alcohol dehydrates (robs) your body of its precious water supply, and along with the water go vital nutrients such as B Vitamins, calcium, magnesium and potassium."

According to Good Housekeeping "Even in moderate amounts alcohol has noticeable effects on the body. Because it enters the blood stream it touches almost every organ, and its effects on feelings and behavior are well known."

Alcohol has adverse affects on your esophagus, stomach & intestines, bloodstream, pancreas, liver, heart, bladder, kidneys, glands and your brain.

"The most drastic and noticed effect of alcohol is the brain. It depresses brain centers, progressively produces uncoordination, confusion, disorientation, stupor, anesthesia, coma, death. Alcohol kills brain cells, and brain damage is permanent" (From-Office of Highway Safety, Madison, WI)

As believers, our body belongs to the Lord. We should not knowingly do anything that would harm it. Alcohol harms the body, therefore we should not drink alcohol.

There is a further reason you should not drink...

6. ALCOHOL IS ADDICTIVE

I Corinthians 6:12 tells us that we are not to "be brought under the power" or to be controlled by anything. The only exception is the Holy Spirit. (Ephesians 5:18)

Alcohol is clearly a powerful substance (Proverbs 23:35). Because alcohol is addictive, we should choose not to drink alcoholic beverages.

The final reason we will consider for not drinking alcoholic beverages is...

7. BELIEVERS ARE KINGS AND PRIESTS SEPARATED UNTO GOD

"The prophets, the kings, the Nazarites, the leaders -- those who were special in the plan of God were total abstainers" says Dr. Paul Dixon, and he is correct. Kings and public officials were not to drink (Proverbs 31:4-5). Further Dr. Dixon says "the priests of the Old Testament were to abstain totally." The Aaronic priests were not to drink because they ministered in the tabernacle before the Lord (Leviticus 10:9)

The application: Believers are a "royal" or kingly priesthood (I Peter 2:9). We are the temple of God (I Peter 2:5). We are Gods special children and should choose total abstinence.

Drinking, even social drinking, cannot be legitimately supported by the Bible. Every drink that is available today, even beer, falls into the category of unmixed or strong drink. Clearly, Christians should not drink alcoholic beverages. Drinking socially is a worldly activity and in light of the fact that believers are neither to be conformed to the world (Romans 12:2) nor love the world(I John 2:15) our choice should be clear. We ARE to be SEPARATE FROM the world (II Corinthians 6:17) and LIGHT TO the world (Ephesians 5:8; Phillipians 2:15). Perhaps social drinking has enhanced the acceptability of Christians in society, but it has not advanced the cause of Christ, and it does not glorify God! Social drinking is simply a means which the devil uses to blunt our testimony for Christ and squeeze us into his mold. There are at least SEVEN GOOD REASONS A BELIEVER SHOULD NOT DRINK. One should be enough. 


ADDITIONAL LINK BELOW:



DOES THE BIBLE CONDONE THE USE OF ALCOHOL FOR BELIEVERS ?

 

Alcohol

Pastor Rick Rogers

Key Verse: Proverbs 20:1

Intro: The use of alcohol as a beverage is a major problem throughout the world, including the USA. Alcohol is responsible for appox. 66% of all fatal accidents; 70% of all murders; 50% of all rapes; 60% of child abuse and child molestation cases; and commits more people to the mental hospital than any other cause!

I. BIBLICAL POINTS TO PONDER

A.    Biblical Words:

1.  Heb. yayin is grape drink, wine alcoholic and non-alcoholic
2.  Shekar is unmixed wine, or strong drink
3.  Tirosh refers to fresh grape juice, called new or sweet wine
4.  Grk. Oinos corresponds with the Hebrew yayin above
5.  Sikera corresponds with the Hebrew shekar above
6.  Gleukos corresponds with the hebrew tirosh above

B.    Biblical Background:

1.  Wine, including fermented, was used in earlier times to purify water that was stored in cisterns and wells. That was a major use of it! It was mixed with water at a very low ratio, consisting of the lowest ration of (3 parts water to 1 part wine-which was the lowest acceptable ratio; this produced a drink that was 2.5-2.75% alcoholic) up to (20+ parts water to 1 part wine). Thus, it was a sub-alcoholic beverage, which is why pastors and deacons are "not given to wine," I Tim. 3:3; 8; Titus 1:7. In Prov.23:29-31 it speaks of those who "tarry long at the wine." This purification is not necessary in modern times--we have chlorine, sodium chlorohydrates,...

2.  Wine today is different than Biblical wine. "Strong drink...unmixed wine..." in Biblical times was only 3-11% alcohol. Those who drank this form of alcohol were considered barbaric! Distillation, which increases alcohol content, was not discovered until A.D. 1500. Modern wine has 9-11% alcohol; 80-100 proof whiskey and brandy has 40-50% alcohol; Biblically and culturally, these would have been unthinkable!

Consider: Dr. Norman Geisler writes this: "Christians ought not to drink wine, beer, or other beverages for they are actually strong drink and forbidden in Scripture. Even ancient pagans did not drink what Christians drink today."1 The Bible condemns strong drink (remember, 3-11% alcohol?) which covers virtually all alcohol popular today. No Biblical defense can be used to support the consumption of alcohol!

C.    Biblical Examples of Alcohol Use:

1.  Gen. 9:20-24, Noah becomes intoxicated, and helps promote the first homosexual activity recorded in Scripture.

2.  Gen. 19:30ff, Lot's daughters encourage Lot to become intoxicated and commit incest, causing Lot to be father and grandfather of the same children.

3.  Esther 1:10ff, King Ahasuerus displays lewd, immoral behavior with his drinking companions and asks his wife to do unacceptable things. (Let's give Queen Vashti much credit-she said no, which cost her position in the kingdom!)

4.  1 Sam. 25:25; 36ff speaks of wicked Nabal, the drunken, vile husband of Abigail. Lest we judge Abigail harshly, likely the parents chose her mate-and she couldn't leave him!

Consider: I simply wanted to look at a few references to alcohol and it's result as stated in the Bible. Are any of these cases an example to follow? Do they demonstrate godliness? Which do you want to be-a homosexual? Fornicator? Immoral? Rude, lewd and "son of Belial?" That is the company you keep with alcohol! Is there anything commendable in these circumstances? NO!

D.    Biblical Warnings (Remember, we are speaking of Biblical wine and strong drink-that which is much weaker than alcohol today).

1.  Is. 5:11, "Woe to them that rise early in the morning, [that] they may follow strong drink; that continue until night, [till] wine inflames them!" inflame: of, pursue}.

2.  Rom. 13:13, "Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in reveling and drunkenness, not in immorality and wantonness, not in strife and envying." {honestly: or, decently}.

3.  Gal. 5:19-21, drunkenness is a work of the flesh.

4.  Eph. 5:18, don't be drunk with wine, but be filled (controlled) by the Spirit.

5.  Rom. 14:21, don't cause others to stumble.

6.  I Cor. 3:16-17; 6:19-20, we are God's temple; we belong to God!

7.  I Cor. 6:12, we are not to be brought under the power, or authority/control, of anything other than the Lord Jesus Christ.

8.  I Cor. 6:10, those who are drunkards will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

Consider: This is kind of a problem; when is a person a drunkard--once or habitually? Why don't they inherit the Kingdom of Heaven?

E.    Biblical Questions: what about the passages that seem to condone the use of alcohol?

1.  Remember foremost that the terms were different in biblical times than now!

2.  Isnt drunkenness condemned, not just partaking of alcohol, Deut. 21:20-21, 1 Cor. 5:11, 6:9-10, Gal. 5:19ff? Yes.

3.  What about 1 Tim. 5:23, Pro. 31:6, Luke 10:34? Does this justify alcohol? Yes. It is clear that alcohol (by biblical definitions!) was used for stomach problems, a sedative, and as an anti-septic. Wine was also used as a water purifier, as water would have bacteria as it was stored in cisterns.

4.  Didnt Jesus turn water into wine at the wedding of Cana in John 2? Yes. Again, the type of beverage is not the problem, but the alcoholic content of the beverage! Certainly Jesus would not have made wine powerful enough to intoxicate the guests (cf. Jn. 2:8ff; Isaiah 5:11, Habakkuk 2:15).

5.  In 1 Cor. 11:21, the believers were drunk at the Communion Table, which some say would indicate that there was real wine used in the Communion service. However, they were condemned to sickness and some to death, and not commended for it! And the drunkenness was not necessarily due to the Communion Service, but from the love feast which preceded it.

F.    Biblical Decision: should the believer drink alcohol today?

1.  Will drinking alcohol glorify God? 1 Cor. 10:31
2.  Will drinking alcohol exemplify my Christian testimony?
3.  Will drinking alcohol cause another to sin? 1 Cor. 8:13
4.  Could drinking alcohol enslave me? 1 Cor. 6:12
5.  Will drinking alcohol benefit me? 1 Cor. 6:12
6.  Will drinking alcohol defile my conscience? 1 Cor. 8:7-10
7.  Would drinking alcohol provide a positive or negative example for my children? Deut. 6:7-8
8.  In Bible times, beverages were few; we dont have that problem today.
9.  In Bible times, water was not pure. Today, it is (or most likely is!)
10. When an activity is doubtful, should you do it? Romans 14:23
11. There are anti-ceptics and other pharmaceutical drugs which care for medical problems which are far superior to wine.

Consider: Dr. Geisler states, "New Testament wine was basically a water purification method. It was not an unsafe liquor; it was a safe liquid. But in America purifying water with wine is unnecessary, and plenty of non-addictive beverages are available."2

II. PRACTICAL POINTS TO PONDER

A.    Personal Life:

1.  Liver, kidney, stomach and intestine damage; kills brain cells, decreases sex drive, may lead to coma, heart failure, causes cancer, creates loss of control,

2.  May lead to addiction, even if one begins as a "social" drinker. Consider the following account of what a six pack of beer costs: "Young people, that first beer may carry a cost far higher than the $5.00 you pay for a six pack. Let me tell you what it cost me:

  • A career in the Air Force, because after six years I wanted to drink beer instead of report for duty
  • An accounting career because I stole from my employer to buy beer
  • A close relationship with my parents and sister because they dont drink
  • A son and daughter. They refused any contact with me for 11 years. I last tried to talk with them in October 1997, and they want no part of me.
  • A close relationship with my wife and another son because my wife doesnt drink
  • Friends. I used and abused them until they had enough and cut me off
  • A secure future. Im 53 with no savings, assets or insurance
  • My drivers license
  • Medical care. I fear what a doctor may find.
  • My self respect. Im a loser and theres no reason to be sober.

Thirty-three years ago when I drank my first beer, I had dreams and plans. I had no idea that Id become a common laborer and a drunk in 1998. Before you start drinking, think where it may land you in 33 years Believe me, its not worth it."3

B.    Society Life

1.  Estimated 10,000,000 problem drinkers or alcoholics in the U. S. adult population
2.  Alcohol related deaths may run as high as 200,000 per year
3.  Alcohol abuse and alcoholism cost the U. S. about $50,000,000,000. In 1975 alone!
4.  One half of traffic fatalities and one third of traffic injuries are alcohol related
5.  A high percentage of child abusing parents have drinking problems
6.  A high correlation exists between alcohol and robbery, rape, assault, homicide and
domestic violence; and more than one third of suicides involve alcohol.
7.  Taxpayers spend $11.00 to offset each $1.00 paid in liquor revenue.4
8.  It is estimated that one out of every ten people who take one drink will become an alcoholic! Is it worth the risk?!

Conclusion: It is quite obvious that God does not desire the Christian to partake of alcohol. Though in some texts wine or strong drink were used in favorable terms (Num. 28:7, for a drink offering; Prov. 31:6, when used as medicinal/pain killer; Ps. 104:15, where the wine is sub-alcoholic and demonstrates the blessing of God for sustenance), it must be studied, taken into context, and consider the differences and purposes of wine then and now. This is vital!

There were two groups that were specifically stated in Scripture that voluntarily abstained from alcohol the Nazirites (Numbers 6:3-4) and the Rechabites (Jeremiah 35:1-11). It would seem as if this was a commendable decision!

It does not seem logical for a Christian to partake of alcohol in light of the biblical evidence, personal and social harm that may result, and the negative impact on ones Christian testimony. Many defend the partaking of alcohol, and ridicule those who promote abstinence. I would close with these warnings:

"Who hath woe? Who hath contentions? Who hath babbling? Who hath wounds without cause? Who hath redness of eyes? They that tarry long at the wine; they that go to seek mixed wine." Proverbs 23:29-30

"Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise." Proverbs 20:1.

"So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God," Romans 14:12.

End Notes:
[1] Norman Geisler, A Christian Perspective on Wine Drinking, Bibliotheca Sacra January March, 1982, p. 51
[2] ibid., p. 54.
[3] That First Beer cost man his family, Career in Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Thursday October 8, 1998, Section F
[4] Quoted in Geisler, p. 52. 

 

Saturday, July 31, 2021

9 Types of Toxic in-laws

 


Not everybody in the world gets along with their in-laws. This is the basis of one of the oldest bits of humor in the world; but it can be a lot less funny if their behavior stops being simply annoying and starts getting toxic. In case you can't quite figure out if your in-laws fall in that category, there are nine different kinds of toxic in-law behavior that might indicate where they stand. If you're truly unlucky, they might fall into several of them. Isn't love grand?

One of the best books ever written on this topic is Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies For Protecting Your Marriage by the psychologist Susan Forward, who's also done some valuable work on the experience of surviving toxic parents. If your in-laws strike you as potentially toxic, it's a wise investment to get hold of her book, as it's chock-full of strategies to deal with them and determine precisely what kind you have on your hands. Toxic in-laws, rather like rare birds, come in a variety of colors and species, and identifying the precise kind you're dealing with can be difficult (indeed, they might fit into several categories at once).

Otherwise, dealing with a toxic in-law takes finesse and a united front between you and your partner. You'll have to learn to establish boundaries, protect yourself, and figure out how to deal with the problem (direct confrontation with the in-laws? Working out an action plan to minimize damage?) In particularly strained circumstances, like if an in-law is an addict, counseling may be a good way to help you going forward as a couple.

1)The Boundary-Ignorers

Boundaries are important in every relationship, and these kinds of in-laws will completely ignore any line you draw in the sand. Don't want them to call when the baby's asleep? They'll do it anyway. They'll visit unannounced, talk to people about your personal business even if you've told them not to, demand to know all your intimate news, and be extremely offended if you tell them "no" and demand reasonable adult accommodations for being a separate entity. This equally applies if they mind your boundaries but can't seem to realize that their own offspring is no longer a child and now deserves a life apart, without being checked on constantly or walked in on.

2)The Controllers

This is one of Forward's definitions. Controlling in-laws, she explains, "believe that your partner is incapable of handling his or her own life and step in to do it better." Whether it's doing their taxes, stepping into their professional life, insisting that they do all the shopping or cooking or anything else, they treat your partner (or you, or the two of you together) as feeble children without any real ability to do what's "best." It can, at first, seem like the path of least resistance to let them do everything as it makes them happy, but it's actually a deeply unnerving and problematic dynamic, as your protests about your own capability to control your life together will be met with complete disdain, laughter, or even anger.

3)The Gaslighters

The term "gaslighting" is taken from the film Gaslight, in which a husband attempts to convince his wife she's going insane by frequently denying her beliefs and experiences, including turning down the gas and then denying that the light has changed.

In-laws don't have to be in control of the dimmer switch to do this, though. They'll simply have their own version of events, and be utterly unable to admit that yours is wrong. "I never said that," or, "you definitely said Saturday and not Sunday, dear," or, "of course your child loves Brussels sprouts, don't be silly:" they'll convert your reality to something more convenient to them and refuse to admit that your own opinions or memories are valid.

4)The Over-Reliant Ones

These are the in-laws who really require your spouse or partner to be the dominant force in their life, and feign complete helplessness without them. It can be particularly dominant if one parent isn't actually around. Susan Pease Gadoua at Psychology Today explains that this is a "surrogate spouse role," noting that "those who are using their children to get their emotional needs met may believe that the new arrangement is a good one because they believe everyone benefits. They get their needs met and, as they see it, their children benefit because they get to feel useful and loved." They do not understand that your partner's first duty is in fact to you, and will get extremely upset or bitter if you're "put first," forcing the partner into a seriously awkward position.

5)The Manipulators

These differ from The Controllers in that you are just a tool to get them what they want: praise from their peers, grandchildren, time with their beloved son or daughter, or whatever else they prioritize. Your own thoughts, feelings, and choices don't matter, and if necessary they will do virtually anything to get what they feel they deserve, from tantrums to guilt to bribery, whether of you or of other members of your family (particularly children).

6)The Addicts

The toxicity of this doesn't really need to be articulated. If an in-law has a serious problem, whether it's from substance abuse, alcohol or something else, it can completely ruin or threaten every instance of family togetherness, and create a kind of tornado at the center of the family dynamic, where you're always waiting or planning around their next binge. The addiction site The Fix notes that 70 percent of adults with alcoholic or addicted family members say it has had a serious effect on their emotional health, which is not surprising; and coping with the chaos of an addicted in-law can cause enormous strain on a marriage.

7)The Engulfers

This is another of Forward's definitions: engulfers "view your marriage license as enlistment papers, signing you up to total involvement with them." This is different from the ones who don't respect boundaries in one particular sense: as Forward told People, engulfers "want to live through their offspring and act as if the child never left the family."

Engulfing in-laws completely subsume you into their family dynamic and expect your marriage to basically dissolve or become invisible against the weight of "being family." They will have severe difficulty understanding that your marriage comes before family at any point, and want to be part of everything that you do, always, constantly, in a way that is neither appropriate nor particularly helpful.

8)The Narcissists

The phenomenon of the narcissistic in-law requires a bit of explanation: it's not just about the fact that they need to be the center of attention of all times. As psychotherapist Michelle Piper explains, being in a relationship with the child of a narcissist means threatening one of their sources of "narcissistic supply;" children of narcissists are often one of the methods through which they reassure themselves of their importance and take glory from the world.

Narcissist in-laws will fight furiously against the idea of this "mirror" being taken away from them, or just hate the fact that you're distracting from their spotlight. You will never be good enough, and they will spend a lot of time informing you of that fact.

9)The Critics

These are the most stereotypically toxic in-laws, but their disapproval can be exceptionally powerful. Whether they criticize you to your partner or to others (or even to your face), anything might be up for their critique: the way you dress, your career, your choice of servings on Christmas Day, your parenting, your religion, name it. Psych Central notes that this is one of the most difficult toxic in-law situations to change, as personal attacks make us understandably defensive or upset no matter how much we attempt to empathize with the feelings behind them.

Luckily, many of the tips for dealing with toxic parents can also be useful for dealing with toxic in-laws, so make sure you're well-versed in those and check out Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies For Protecting Your Marriage. Most of all, don't be afraid to talk with your partner about establishing healthy boundaries with their family. It's uncomfortable, but it's important.

 

Part II

As soon as you decided to get married, visions of having more family members to love danced through your mind. You’d have an extra set of parents to impart their wisdom from years of experience and some siblings-in-law to hang out with . . . and maybe even become best friends.

Then reality hit. As soon as you got to know them, you realized that what you got was something completely different. The people who raised the most terrific person in the entire universe have shown you that your dreams were nothing more than a fairytale.

Your in-laws not only don’t like you, but they also show you absolutely no respect. Or just as bad, they flat-out ignore you. In their minds, you’re an intruder, and you stole their precious child away from them. All those fun and lively family dinners you imagined are not likely to ever happen.

This is a difficult position for anyone to be in because you want to be on friendly terms with these people, and you have someone in common that you both love very much. So what do you do? There are actually several ways to handle disrespectful in-laws.

Show a United Front with Your Spouse

Chances are, your spouse is aware of the tension, without your having to mention a word about it. Discuss your position and how disappointed you are that these people don’t show you the respect you deserve.

Your spouse may not understand, and you may not come to a total agreement. But it’s important for the two of you to display a united front when you’re around the in-laws. Have a calm discussion with your spouse about how to handle this, be willing to compromise, and honor your end of the deal.

Don’t disagree with your spouse in front of the disrespectful and offensive people in his family, or they will have an opening to rip at your relationship with the person you’ve vowed to spend your life with.

Conflict Engagement . . . or Not

You may want to stand your ground and tell your in-laws that you don’t appreciate their rudeness. However, this may escalate the conflict to a level that is even worse than before. But you know that you’re in the right, and they’re the ones who are being disrespectful, so you feel the urge to stand your ground. Addressing the issue directly may let them know you’re not backing down, but it can also intensify the awkwardness of future get-togethers.

The other option is to avoid conflict by not resisting when someone says something rude. When your mother-in-law criticizes the way you clean house or prepare a recipe, simply smile and ask her to share her methods and recipes. If your father-in-law makes a negative remark about your career, resist the urge to defend your life’s calling. Maybe you can ask about his career to take the focus off yours. If a sister-in-law or brother-in-law gets snarky when your spouse’s back is turned, change the subject. These people might not get the hint, but you haven’t lowered yourself to their level of disrespect.

Do your best to keep the conversation light and off of topics that are likely to trigger dissent. When you see the other person become tense, be willing to quickly change the subject.

Avoid Public Conflict and Drama

When you’re out in public with your in-laws, try to keep a healthy amount of distance between you to prevent embarrassment in front of others. This may have you sitting at the opposite end of the table in a restaurant, but it may be necessary to keep from losing your cool.

Set Rules and Boundaries With Your Spouse

If you live near your in-laws, have a chat with your spouse and come up with some rules and boundaries that apply on both sides. Here are some examples of some of the rules:

  • All visitors, including yours and your spouse’s family, must call before each visit to prevent invading your personal space. If they live nearby, no one is allowed to unexpectedly drop by.
  • Family members (including you) should never criticize without a solution. Even then, think before you speak and decide whether or not it’s worth it to say anything.
  • Avoid topics that set off fireworks on either side.
  • If you have children, you and your spouse have the final word with discipline and permission, and the in-laws are not to override them. This is where you need to be firm because you are ultimately responsible for your children.

Maintain a Sense of Humor

While you might not want to make in-law jokes with your spouse’s family, you can still have a sense of humor. Don’t take everything someone says to heart. Remember that the most important thing is that the person you married loves you, and that’s what really matters at the end of the day.

Don’t Whine or Play Victim

When you and your in-laws have issues, do your best to keep the matter in the family. Whining, complaining to others, and gossiping about them may create an even worse rift—especially if they find out or catch wind of what you’re saying.

Rather than play victim to the disrespectful ways, stand firm and try to find common ground. If you can’t do that, you might address the issue head-on. Sometimes the problem stems from miscommunication.

Here are some things you might say to lower the level of tension:

  • “This is how I’ve always done things, but I’m interested in hearing a different perspective.” 
  • “It appears that we have some cultural differences. I’d love to hear about your culture, and if you’re interested in mine, I’ll be happy to share.”
  • “You did a wonderful job of raising (your spouse’s name). Thank you for always being there for (spouse).”

Getting Along on Special Occasions

Holidays and other special occasions often stress people out and bring out the worst in them. Go into the situation knowing this, and you’ll probably be able to deal with whatever happens with a cooler head. If you’re hosting a family event, try to incorporate the traditions from your own family as well as your in-laws’. Have a talk with members of your spouse’s family and encourage their input. If they cooperate, that’s great. If not, their disrespect is on them, not you.

Important Consideration

One of the most important things to remember is that you can’t control other people’s actions. If they’re rude, keep your chin up and follow the manners you know are right. These people may or may not come around and give you the respect you need. But if you do the right thing, you can live without regrets.

Part III

Letting Go of Toxic People, Even If it’s a Family Member

By The Pragmatic Parent

Toxic Family: Making the choice to let go of toxic family is hard, its even harder when its a family member. Letting go of Toxic Family Members and Cutting Ties with Toxic Family

Letting Go of Toxic People, Even If it’s a Family Member

Toxic relationships come in all forms; it can be between friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, partners or family members. A toxic person may be your Mother or your Father, a sibling or colleague but most often, it’s usually a person who is closest to you, that is harming you the most.

Removing yourself from a toxic relationship is hard;  there are no instructions to walking away and letting go of a toxic person, but it’s a worthy process to pursue your own happiness and fixing the internal damage which emotional abuse inflicts.

Having a toxic family member who takes you on an emotional rollercoaster ride on a regular basis, leaves you with a range of conflicting feelings – confusion, obligation, pain, guilt, betrayal, anger and grief.

Taking the next step of letting go of family is incredibly hard, guilt-riddling and takes a tremendous amount of courage.

A family member will take advantage of the fact that you are family – a bond that is supposed to be enduring, loving and respectful – to manipulate and hurt you because they know you will find it very hard to remove yourself because you are family.

Family members are easy targets to toxic people – and emotional abusers –  because they can and they will continue to bully and hurt you, fully expecting you to sit and endure it.

How Toxic People Treat You Is a Reflection of Them, Not You

Time and time again you’ll find yourself trying to understand and rationalize their behavior and then forgiving their actions because… it’s your family.

In a society where it feels that no-matter-what circumstance, family is an unspoken bond that shall never be broken, when the toxic person in your life is a part of the circular family around you, this makes dealing with their abuse infinity more complicated and painful.

This is a confusing situation trying to cope with not only the lack of a love and the pain you’re afflicted with but the lack of a positive relationship with someone who is your own blood.

Take a deep look at those relationships closest to you and note how this person makes you feel and how they treat you.

Bullying comes in all forms and it’s not something found only in schoolyards. It is found in the most unlikely of places and this includes your own home.

Toxic people have a way of slinging jabs and subtle comments at opportune times when you’re alone, thus making their actions refutable to others who cannot corroborate your account of events.

They are very clever to hide their behavior in plain sight and will manipulate your emotions because they know you intimately.

It’s hard not to take toxic behavior personally. It’s not you, it’s them. 

While this statement is true, learning that a toxic person’s behavior is not a reflection of yourself, is a tough statement to remember.

Toxic People Aren’t Fixable, Don’t Waste Your Time Trying 

That statement may sound harsh, but it’s the truth.

The way toxic people act is because of an internal struggle they bear inside of themselves but is taken out on those around them, or their target.

It is not your place to “fix” them and toxic people oftentimes have no idea why they feel te way they do, do the things they do and hurt the people they hurt but yet, they continue to do it. This in no way makes what they do justifiable.

There area also the toxic people with personality disorders that understand what their heinous words and actions do to others, but find their behavior defensible. Of course, it never is, but in their minds, they will always find a way to justify the means.

Toxic individuals are aware of the chaos they create around them and while some toxic people are intentional about the pain they inflict, others may be good people who do not know how to exist in the world without forcing you to compromise your happiness and yourself to their infliction.

Toxic people create drama and live in a world of negativity and you have to take a hard look and decide for yourself if you can tolerate their behavior for a lifetime – because it will never go away – or if its time to make your own well-being a priority.

This may mean that you distance yourself from this person by spending less time with them, not sharing personal information, or disconnecting  entirely – temporarily or permanently.

Coming to the realization that your family member is not available or open to fully and completely loving you and discovering the fact that you cannot call on them or trust them, is one of life’s hardest realizations.

Just because they are a family member doesn’t mean that it’s a relationship built on mutual love, respect and support for one another.

You are family by blood and that may simply be the only connection your relationship is thread together by.

If this person cannot respect you, if you cannot trust what they say and do, if they lie and manipulate you, if they talk badly about you and others, if you don’t have a voice around them and especially if they physically hurt you – you need to remove yourself from this toxic relationship.

You Have The Right to Create a Healthy & Happy Life For Yourself  

There will come a time when you say, “enough is enough.”

You are a person that deserves to be treated with love and respect. You cannot possibly grow if the sunshine is always being snuffed out by a storm.

You will not love yourself and live a positive and flourishing life you absolutely deserve in the wake of a toxic person who purposefully hurts you and keeps you from true happiness.

It’s Time to Examine What You Allow In Your Life

They may be manipulating, lying, being passive-aggressive, hurtful, or physically abusive, but they are continuing to act this way because you allow it.

  • What are you doing to stand up for yourself and to stop the way they treat you?
  • How do you react when they disrespect and hurt you?
  • What is the toxic person’s reaction when you choose to stand up to them?

When you confront a toxic person, expect the worst.

You’ll see that they are quite manipulative in their reaction to being confronted. A family member will play the victim and try to corral other family members against you because you’ve hurt them. They may use their emotions to influence other family members and isolate you and they may treat you harshly as well. Expect lies, victim stories where they paint themselves as the victim and you the bad guy.

Toxic people will flat out lie about what you’ve confronted about. The toxic person will make up new stories to disarm your interpretation of the truth and they will redirect the indictments you’re accusing them of towards you – all scenarios will point back to the toxic person making themselves the victim in the eyes of anyone around them.

The things the toxic person says, what those around her will say to you and accuse you of may make you feel like the crazy person.

Know that the redirection is just another manipulation to make you question the validity of your claims, recollection of your account of events and question your own emotions and make you feel like you’re crazy/overreacting/dramatic.

Do not question yourself. You have every right to stand up for your well-being, for your emotions, and for your sanity.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member or a friend, you don’t have to tolerate toxic behavior when it affects your well being.

Abuse Never Deserves to be Tolerated

If there is physical abuse you absolutely need to cut ties.

Anyone who physically hurts is is breaking the law, breaking physical boundaries with you, and there are consequences for their actions.

Emotional and verbal abuse should never be tolerated. 

If someone if emotionally manipulating, bullying and abusing you, know that you deserve better and that it’s OK to let go and walk away even if you are walking away from your Mother or Father or a family member

No amount of love, forgiveness, guilt, grief or prayer will fix a person that is broken and purposefully hurting you because of the rush they get from inflicting chaos and pain.

The person you need to save is yourself.

Practicing self-love and self-care every day will be a new concept for you, but over time, you’ll see and feel it’s the right step towards a new and fulfilling life.

The time it takes to heal from walking away from a toxic person may be swift but other times, it can take years and cycles of anger, grief, sadness, relief and finally contentment.